About me

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

(Ex?-)Chronically online girl who is tired of social media and craves her own handcrafted corner in the internet. I learnt a bit about how to code websites from editing my tumblr as a teenager, but it seems I don't remember enough to make this site look nice yet :)

I am a PhD student working on mathematical physics. But that's just the linkedin description of me and it sounds empty when I say it. It's funny that to say who we are, we tend to say what we do. When we're not doing, when we're just being, we're something entirely larger than that. Part of this larger thing is that I have many hobbies and little time. Some of them are the following: crocheting compulsively, playing the piano, thinking about writing and never actually doing it, watching pretentious films, reading as much as my attention span -destroyed from years and years of doomscrolling- allows me to, starting to paint something and leaving it unfinished and playing video games that I either hyperfocus on for a whole day and then forget about them or play them so much that I see them in my sleep.

Another part of this boundless, expanding self is that I am now learning to accept that self with all its multitudes and contradictions. I am always in the process of leaning how to handle my chronic anxiety and numerous compulsions, although you will still always see me wearing two different socks every day, thinking that something will go terribly wrong if I don't. I'm learning what love means to me and I see it as a practice that fills my life with meaning. I don't like how my mind treats me, yet I love the way I know it's capable of thinking. I'm finding out about all the shame that it holds, and learning to take care of it better every day.